I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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