living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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