I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
