Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
