one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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