Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I need a beard to bite.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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