Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
What happened to fro yo and sex?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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