Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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