If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
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