i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
