lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize