Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
