he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
