I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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