I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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