I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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