I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
