was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
