I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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