Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Don't make out with my wife yet
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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