she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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