o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
