some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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