South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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