i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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