pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize