Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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