I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Pants are for mortals
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
