I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
