Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
