My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
