I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
