guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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