ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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