If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
