Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
