i jhust puked up my retainher.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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