Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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