A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
My breasts were aching with rage.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
