The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
