Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
