There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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