Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
