Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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