My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
