Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
