just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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