watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
