So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Shitshow foam night was such a success
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Please don't give away my fajitas
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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