At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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