I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
