I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
