I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
