phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
