It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
